Going Through Changes

I’m going through changes. Historically in my life, change has presented itself as an instantaneous thing that just happens. I live, I go through something, and the next day something is different. This change that I am experiencing currently is different. I can see it taking place. This week I left my part time job. I left because I felt like it was time to go. I wanted to dedicate more time to writing, building a community for myself, and just taking care of myself in general. I was just given my first real big assignment at work this week also, which will begin to take up more of my mental capacity.

I’ve been healing and restoring relationships once tattered, abandoned, or both. I’m becoming more future minded, focusing on things that were once distant thoughts; like doing something meaningful with my life, and leaving a legacy behind. I’m becoming more goal oriented and goal specific. Even my drinking habits are changing; I recently bought a bottle of bourbon instead of my usual beer, wine, or vodka, because I wanted something that I would not finish in a weekend.

I’m going through changes.

How I think about money is different too, I’m becoming more frugal with how I spend. I do not like the things I use to enjoy, and when I revisit those items, substances, or behaviors, they do not satisfy like they used to. Podcasts dominate my car radio time as opposed to my usual rap music playlist. The other day I spent 7 dollars on a candle, and bought chips made with flaxseed.

I’m going through changes.

I’m going to a housewarming party tomorrow and have been thinking all week about what kind of housewarming gift I should get. The last housewarming I went to, I came with nothing and left with all the food and drinks I could. I have a call list to keep track of people I need to stay in contact with. I’ve started waking up early and going to the gym in the morning before work, mostly to fend off the deterioration associated with getting older.

I’m going through changes.

I had the pleasure of rereading and editing all of my posts to bring them up to date with the other changes that are happening on this blog; And as I am reading about my trails and challenges, I’m not embarrassed by them anymore. I’m not upset by the fact that I went through what I went through. I’m more forgiving of myself now. I started letting go of things I do not need like petty grudges and material things that I do not use anymore.

I’m going through changes and Its freaking me out if I’m to be honest. On one hand I recognize that this is the natural progression of life, and other hand, this is the national progression of life. I have not been in the best mental space this week mainly because of this revelation, and the ebbs and flows that come with depression. One of my semi-regular podcasts has been on the topic of time and death. In their most recent entry on this topic they quote author Abraham Joshua Heschel who once wrote:

“The result of our thinginess is our blindness to all reality that fails to identify itself as a thing, as a matter of fact. This is obvious in our understanding of time, which, being thingless and insubstantial, appears to us as if it had no reality. Indeed, we know what to do with space but do not know what to do about time, except to make it subservient to space. Most of us seem to labor for the sake of things of space. As a result, we suffer from a deeply rooted dread of time and stand aghast when compelled to look into its face. Time to us is sarcasm, a slick treacherous monster with a jaw like a furnace incinerating every moment of our lives. Shrinking, therefore, from facing time, we escape for shelter to things of space. The intentions we are unable to carry out we deposit in space; possessions become the symbols of our repressions, jubilees of frustrations. But things of space are not fireproof; they only add fuel to the flames.”.

In other words, what Heschel is getting at is the vanity and frivolousness of life. I’ve been dealing with this in my own way for some time now, and to hear it stated so plainly, messed me up. I feel like we all go through life ignoring the inevitability of death. No one likes to talk or think about it. And I get it, the topic is a bit of a bummer. But I guess the part that is a real bummer for me, is that as time marches on death gets closer.

I do not care about dying, when it’s my time, it’s my time. What I care about is, what I do with the time in between the time. This time. The time I’m spending writing these blog entries, the time I spend at work, the time I spend with the people I care about, what am I doing with that time? I was watching a docuseries on Bill Gates, and his wife Melinda was saying how Bill is very meticulous with his time because, he has realized that in spite of all of the wealth and billions of dollars he has amassed for himself, the one thing he cannot get more of is time. We may cannot control the march of time, but while we have time, we can make the most of it.

I’m going through changes.

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