A Letter to my Mother

Preface: This is a pretty vulnerable piece for me. The inspiration for this piece was Mother’s Day 2019, which marked 18 years since my mother past. I wanted to express my peace. Prior to this letter I had already reconciled with my loss of her in my own way, so this is more of a “since you’ve been gone/if you were here” expression of love. I hope you enjoy.

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Dear Mom,

I miss you. Funny, how can I miss someone I don’t even know? You’re such a mystery to me. You know to this day, I still don’t know your cause of death. You’re like Pink Diamond and I’m Steven Universe. It’s a cartoon mom, no I’m not too old for cartoons, you’re never too old. People tell me stories about you, and it’s always the same narrative: your mother had a great personality, she was a hard worker, she had an infectious laugh, she was a straight shooter, and she loved you very much. I’ll be honest, those stories have gotten old. I want to know about your life before me. Not to put you on blast but I know you were married before, and for a period of time estranged to the family. That’s the side of you I want to know about. I know how you presented yourself to others but who were you really? Its been hard without you, mostly because I’ve been misunderstood by others and by myself. Its been like putting a puzzle together without all the pieces. I will say though, I’ve lived a full life. It hasn’t all been extravagant, I’ve had my struggles with depression, suicidality, and substance abuse.

I’m glad you were not around to worry about me on all my drunk and blacked out nights, or when I went to Brazil and Asia on a wing and a prayer. I’m glad you didn’t see me when I was on life support with a tube down my throat; but I wish you saw me off to prom, or when I walked across the stage to get my degree. I wish you could have heard me speak at church. I wish I could tell you all the cool stuff I’ve done over the last 18 years. There is still so much of my life that you’re going to miss out on and I don’t know how to reconcile with that. I guess I miss you being here. It’s been so long since you’ve passed, and I was so young, I hardly remember anything about you. I wonder what you’d say to me now, I literally have no idea what I’m doing these days. That being said God’s been holding me down, and until we meet again,

Happy Mother’s Day mom, I just wanted to let you know, I’m doing alright,

Love you.

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